The Dark Side of Marriage

This could be a book. But right now I don’t have time to write it, and you might not have time to read it, so I’ll just send out postcards, aka blog posts, for now.

I’ve been seeing families, couples and individuals for almost 25 years now, and I am sure of a few things, not many, but a few.  One is that most marriages fail because nobody tells us about the dark side of love, the dark side of parenting, the dark side of aging, the dark side of working hard.

We are a people of shattered expectations and we are getting fatter and lonelier and screwing up more kids because of it. If we change the conversation, maybe it will begin to help.

For a start, try to just meditate on this:  I hate _______ about my husband/wife/child.  I wish it were different. I fear _________ about my life.  I wish it were different.

Then remind yourself: the only person I can change is me and if I sit still instead of running, my hates may change as I bathe them in acceptance instead of the rage of unmet expectations.

We all seem to want more something. More safety, security, money, words, touch, time, sex, food, comfort. When we sit in a state of enough instead of more, a shift may occur.  It’s the most uncomfortable place in the world. I will sit there with you. You are not alone. We are not alone. Even if not being alone doesn’t help, sit still anyway. Meditate on what is instead of what is not. When there is not enough, contemplate a helpless, timeless infant that lives within you, screaming for its needs to be met and terrified they will not be met.

Imagine holding that baby safely instead of expecting someone to fix your pain.

Just imagine.